Date: 2005-08-28, 7:56PM EDT
40 (Gentle and Not So) First-Person Suggestions For Dealing With (Some But Not All) 40-Something Women:
Number 1 to 10 - Aimed At The Young Men Who Want To Fuck Me:
1. Your high school science teacher was right - gravity rules. What goes up will eventually come down, and to some extent, probably has already. Don't be disappointed, or at least try to hide it if you are.
2. The hot looking 40 year-old women you see on XXX sites on the internet have been surgically altered/retouched/botoxed or are genetic anomalies who are justifiably envied by 98 per cent of womankind.
3. If you're looking for a teacher, tell me up front - not when you're naked and befuddled.
4. If you're looking for a mommy, again, tell me up front. Nothing says cruel disappointment quite like watching a grown man you're planning to fuck morph into a thumb-sucking infant.
5. Older women demand at least a modicum of charm - seduce my mind before you start humping my leg. Flirt with me, compliment me, brush a strand of hair out of my eyes, and most importantly - make me laugh (preferably with you rather than at you).
6. Have some class - at least offer to buy me a drink. I'm worth it, particularly if 3 applies to you. There really is no such thing as a free lunch/drink/dinner etc.
7. Fire up those brain cells and talk to me about politics/finance/world events - smart, worldly men are a turn-on at any age. It's good to know that there's a brain behind the face buried in my coochie.
8. Don't talk about your 21 year-old girlfriend - I know she exists, but I'd rather not hear about her perky breasts and firm, round ass. If you'd rather fuck her, why are you bothering me?
9. Never assume I'm desperate - I'm no raving beauty, yet since I turned 40 (last year) I've been asked out by an impressive number of sexy men of ALL ages.
10. Never, and I mean never, tell me I remind you of your mother/aunt/grandmother, unless you know for certain that I'm a completely filthy and twisted horndog kinkster.
Number 11 to 20 - Aimed At The Men Who Want To Date Me:
11. If YOU ask ME out, at least feign a willingness to pay. I'll probably split the cost or pay for drinks or a movie after dinner, but remember that older women are sticklers for good etiquette. Of course if I ask YOU out, then it's my responsibility to pick up the cheque.
12. If you're looking for a teacher, see 3.
13. If you're looking for a mommy, see 4.
14. Please see 9 and treat me accordingly. You are replaceable, and I'm quite comfortable being alone. No woman (of any age) should be exploited for her insecurities, and the men who do this are pathetic, insecure slimeballs.
15. Show me your great big brain! Admittedly Ashton Kutcher looks about as bright as a stack of pancakes, but he must have more than just a perpetual hard-on to keep Demi Moore coming back for more. Read a newspaper or listen to the news - how does that cliche go about sex being mostly in the mind?
16. Offer to help out with dinner/the dishes/laundry/lawn work or even organizing my lingerie drawers. Many of us have put useless ex-spouses and helpless children behind us, and I for one can live without a man who is unwilling to offer a helping hand.
17. Listen to what's coming out of my mouth before shoving your cock in it - I've been around, and have gained some wisdom along the way.
18. DON'T feel threatened by my career/academic accomplishments. If you prefer to date a bimbo-esque caricature of a woman, be my guest. I'm proud of my achievements, and shouldn't have to downplay them to make you feel like a man.
19. Marriage and monogamy often don't mix. Just because I've never been married doesn't mean I'm not monogamous. Since when has a marriage license guaranteed a faithful spouse?
20. If you want children, be honest from the start. Many 40-something women have either finished breeding or are childless for a reason. Don't waste my time, and I won't waste yours.
Number 21 to 30 – Aimed At The Women Who Think I'm A Desperate Spinster Who Wants To Steal Their Husbands/Boyfriends/Cabana Boys:
21. Harness those brain cells to the yoke of logic for one moment – older women are far less threatening than insecure 21 year-old women desperate to prove they're the libidinal equivalent of catnip. These women feel powerful when they poach a man. Worry about them, not me.
22. If you don't trust your man-thing to be true, this probably suggests that your relationship is on life support. Am I right, or am I RIGHT?
23. Many (though not all) 40-something women still hold feminist beliefs, which means they don't steal the man-things of another. Man theft is bad karma, and I am a glutton for good karma.
24. If he cheated on his wife/girlfriend, odds are he'll cheat on me eventually.
25. Instead of scowling at me for wearing something sexy-yet-respectable, take a good look at your saggy sweatpants and stained bowling t-shirt. Few men get a boner from that combination.
26. If you don't know why I'm still single, ask me. The answer might surprise you, and will no doubt make me seem less like a threat and more like a human being.
27. No one forces us to get married – I won't bow to the societal pressure to be wed and bred.
28. If I innocently flirt with your husband, take that as a compliment to your taste in men. Take it back to your bedroom and lustily show him that you feel lucky to have found him.
29. Wrap your brain around this – some 40-something women are single by choice. This doesn't necessarily mean we're not looking, but for some reason we've pressed the "pause" button.
30. In closing, keep your eyes on your Cabana Boys after all. My windows need a good cleaning.
Number 31 to 40 – Aimed At Women Who Are Afraid Of Turning 40
31. The alternative to turning 40 is death. Which do YOU prefer?
32. Over time you'll discover that the things that used to make you freak out are no longer important. This is a WONDERFUL feeling!
33. Bums will sag, breasts will droop, necks will crinkle, but your brain will blossom.
34. Your car insurance rates will fall faster than your boobs.
35. Young men will still look at you. Old men will look at you. More attention – good!
36. You'll discover that a nice wine buzz feels better than blackout drunkenness, and you won't need to get your stomach pumped in the morning!
37. Your apartment will look and smell a lot better than it did in your 20's.
38. Every time you come across a hysterical young woman bereft over the antics of her bad-boy boyfriend you'll thank your lucky stars you no longer have to deal with that idiocy!
39. You will sign a peace treaty with chocolate AND you will keep stockpiles on hand to help you deal with sadistic bosses, bathing suit season, men in general, etc. etc.
40. The best part? Your sex drive will be off the Richter scale, and the resultant glow will light a path to your door so the hot, young men can find the worldly wise sexy broad you've become.